he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
