Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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