im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
