I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
