Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
