WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
