Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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