I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
