Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
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Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
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All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize