i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
