I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
