At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
