Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
