I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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