The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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