You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
