there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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