DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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