i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She bit a glass in half.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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