currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
