The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
