if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
