Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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