My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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