I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
