I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
