then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
