I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
