just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
