He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
