I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
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Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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