Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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