I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
