i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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