Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
