ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
