see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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