maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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