i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize