I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
