I'm sorry my penis didn't work
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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