Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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