The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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