I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
