he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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