On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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