I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
