Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she told me i tasted like america
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
