Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she woke up with a sticky ear
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
