I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Pooping to opera.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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