I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
