Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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