Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.