is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.