He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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