I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.