I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.