I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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